Adore me

It's December 12th, only 19 days left of this hell of a roller coaster year. 

I'm here writing again, half a year later, because I am feeling at my lowest and at my loneliest. 

To ask for someone to love me is too heavy of a request, even for myself it isn't so easy to love - especially not after going through my own personal experiences and heartbreaks. But after being single for 4 years now I guess all I want is to feel what it's like to be adored again. 

A few weeks ago I met a guy at an event in my office - me being a little tipsy from the free flow of gin and tonic, I trusted my judgement of me thinking that he was kinda cute and didn't hesitate giving him my number. We met up a week later and it was one of the most refreshing and comfortable dates I've had in a while (or.. ever). What fucking guy would suggest a picnic (and bring wine for it)..  offer to cook you dinner.. and then ask you to dance to some stupidly cheesy playlist with artists like Ed Sheeran in the mix. Think that's it? No, he would also suggest to stop by a nice lookout point just before sending you home. I don't know. I was impressed, I was comfortable and.. slightly smitten. 

And I hate that I felt that way. I hate it so much. Because if I didn't I wouldn't have had to sit in my car driving home from work sobbing. I wouldn't be sitting in bed now typing this pathetic entry bawling my eyes out, over the silly fact that I haven't gotten a reply from him in two days. I hate that a week ago I actually felt happy. I hate that I actually really enjoyed his company. I hate that now when I listen to the songs he played then I think of him (just because he said "I hope when you listen to this song again you're reminded of this"). I hate that I felt comfortable with him. I hate.. that I feel so vulnerable now. 

I guess, I miss feeling adored. I miss having someone just look at me with adoration. I miss feeling someone touch me like they adored me. And that's exactly what he did, I let my guard down. And now, it just hurts. It hurts and I'm tired. I'm just so tired of hoping. I'm tired of putting myself out there just to get nothing in return. 

This whole thing is silly - even I know this. I barely know the guy, it was just one date.
But it doesn't stop me from hurting.