Desensitized

Two years since I've posted on here. My sorry excuse is.. I guess I only turn to this medium when I have a lot on my mind and I just need to pour it out somewhere that doesn't have a 140 character limit - or just somewhere people won't see. 

Today I feel empty.

Empty; not exactly in the sense where I feel like I have nothing going for me, but kinda in that sense.

I feel like I've just lost a lot of drive, determination and ability to feel? I think I've become more bitter, more blunt, a lot more easily annoyed by little things like insensitivity, ignorance, stupidity. Why...? I have zero clue. 

Sometime last year I told myself (along with my friends) that I should start seeing people, I should try out that dating thing that people do nowadays. But.. I've been single for 2 years. Also like, how do you date? What do you do? What do you guys talk about? What if it gets awkward? Are there guidelines? I've literally never dated anyone that I didn't really know beforehand. And I'm also the weirdass loyal kinda idiot who can't wrap her head around the fact that you can date several people at the same time ("It's just dating you aren't exactly official or anything so no harm there!"). I just can't? It feels wrong to me, I could never try to emotionally invest romantically in more than one other human being. Honestly I was scared. 

Then I recently started.. dating(?) this guy early this year. We met about a year before through a friend and been talking for a few months before we actually went out, though I'm truly at fault for always replying him so late on FB messenger (sad excuse being - I'm barely ever on that app). I had my reservations about him, even though he seems like a really nice guy, and all my friends who know him speak well of him. But honestly, nobody is that great of a person. I just kept on trying to find faults with him because at that point he honestly sounded a bit too good to be true. But we kept on talking, we still went out whenever we were both free. Everything remained casual. If people asked me, "so do you like the guy?", I honestly couldn't reply with a solid "yes".

Having so many mutual friends with the person you're dating can honestly be a great thing. It's easier to hang out with friends, you have some first hand insight on the person's character and all. But... that also makes it a little hard for you too.

Two of my good friends have recently told me good and promising things about the guy.

Another two have told me to not invest so much of myself into this.

I should feel something.. shouldn't I? Like the slightest bit hurt? The slightest bit offended? I mean, it's only human to feel something.. right?

But.. I don't. Not really. I feel completely indifferent. 

Which made me wonder if I'm even capable to feel for another person anymore. Am I ready to be in a relationship again? I do want to be in one though. I miss being in a relationship. I miss having someone to hold hands with. I miss having someone that could be both a friend and a lover. I miss.. I guess I really miss feeling loved.

But I can't get any of that until I learn how to open my heart to someone once more.