Dead

Hello.

It has been 144 days since my last post, yet I still feel similar to how I felt when I posted it - if anything I feel worse. 

In many ways I feel alone; I feel so alone because I don't have anyone to share my problems with, nobody to share my excitement with, nobody to share my pain. It definitely feels like I'm at my lowest point right now and there isn't a person I know who can help me. Thinking about it now, I don't only feel alone but I feel lost. 

It is as though I don't have a friend. I have people around me - people I know, people I spend my time with but somehow they just aren't the people I can connect with on a more personal and emotional level. My best friend is miles away from me, in a different country. Another one just feels distant, and now I'm starting to reevaluate what we had. It is as though her new group of friends are more important - who the hell am I anymore, right? You don't say that YOU miss hanging out, just the two of us, and end up bringing your friends to meetups that YOU planned. It's not that I don't like your friends, it just feels like we aren't special anymore.. like I stopped being your best friend. And I don't have a sister anymore. I feel like I don't have anyone. 

It kills me inside, literally kills me, when I see other people hanging out with their best friends and doing things together, or spending time with their sisters and sharing secrets and good times because it has been so fucking long since I've done the same. I can't remember the last time I had a great girls' outing, I can't remember the last time I had a good heart to heart talk with my sister or best friends. I can't. I just spend most of my days at home cause you know what? I don't really have friends. And all I do nowadays is reminisce the past when it seemed like I had all that. Waste of time. 

Also, I feel like feelings are fading. It's hard when you feel like there isn't much to fight for anymore..How bad is it when you're looking forward to leaving?