Betrayal

Imagine getting screwed over by a guy.
Now imagine getting screwed over by a guy who was supposed to be your friend.


It's honestly starting to get so amusing yet sickening as to how ridiculously often I experience the same shit with different guys. Maybe I thought "Hey, he's a friend. It could be different - it should be different right? He can't possibly intentionally hurt me".

Oh boy, was I wrong. I was so fucking wrong.

The thing that makes me extremely disappointed is honestly the fact that we were friends. We. Were. Friends. Friends shouldn't be fucking over friends, right? You'd think that by having a friendship there would be a level of respect for the other person. I hate that I was so blind sighted and I really put my trust into this friendship that I allowed for him to manipulate it and use it for, honestly, his own benefit.

He tells me he fell for someone.
And I cannot even hold this against him cause we can't control who we like.

But then he says he initially wasn't looking for any commitment.
After attempts of sliding into my DMs.
After excessively taking care of me while we were out drinking.
After kissing me first.
After continuously flirting with me.
After telling me that he was attracted and interested.
After asking me out on dates.
After bringing me to see his friends.
After saying he missed me.
After making me feel like there was really something possible here.
After leading me on.

Was I wrong to think that it could be going somewhere? Or was I really just misreading all the signs? Who does all of these without clarifying that they aren't actually looking for commitment?

And I was his friend..

I was genuine with my feelings.
I was genuine with all I said and all I did.
I was entirely genuine..
Yet he was not.

If he really just wanted a fling, why did it have to be me.

The way I feel used, played and betrayed.
The way my heart hurts so much.

I just know he doesn't feel the same and that's so unfair.


And to think he didn't even say sorry.

Downpour

Happiness doesn’t last. 

It never has. 

Things just don’t last. 

When was the last time something did for you? 

Never. 

You want something yet you push it away when it comes to you. You shut out any idea of possibilities. You keep your expectations low yet you constantly assume for the worst. You convince yourself that it’s never too good to be true.. you’re not worthy. You aren’t enough. You just aren’t the right one. 

Are your past experiences so powerful they cut in that deep? Did things happen too many times over again to the point you’ve convinced yourself that it’s precedent?

Why.. why do you do this to yourself..?

Expectations

Funny how my recent posts have been about guys. Different guys.

Regardless.

These days my mind has been in a mess. I've been thinking about so many things. I've been feeling too many things. I've been feeling.. confused. Conflicted. So conflicted and confused about how I'm supposed to feel. I feel as though the good things that happen in my life just aren't meant to last. As though it's some sick joke or I did something hella fucked up that karma decides to bite me in the ass. Even though something feels comfortable, it feels so right.. but circumstances just won't allow for it to last.

I always feel like I'm not enough. I always feel like I'm undeserving. I have my doubts and anxiety because honestly, can things really be as good as they seem to be? Like, I'm happy when I'm with you. But happiness doesn't last does it? What if you realise that I'm not enough.. and just stop. 

Like every other guy.