Frustration

I'm overwhelmed. I need to let it all out. Please, bear with me.

I know it's pretty hard to please everyone. It's normal when there are people who are dissatisfied with things you do, or how you are. But it's a total blow to your ego and self-beliefs when those dis-satisfactions are brought up to the surface. You start questioning yourself: is what I do that hard to accept? Should I change? Are people just overreacting. You start reflecting, all these thoughts you've never thought of before arise in your mind. 

People say, "Don't bother about what people think. Stay just as you are. Be yourself". But what if you can't accept that? What if you feel this like you have this obligation to yourself that you have to please others?

I don't know how to feel. I never thought my minor actions would turn out to bring such a big impact to others. People see me as stuck up but I don't mean for that.. I honestly am not the friendliest when it comes to meeting strangers. To be honest I don't really know how to make friends. I have this mindset that I won't fit in. I was never the girl who had the most self-esteem in the past, mainly based on how I looked and felt about myself back then. I've brought that with me up to this day. Sure, my self-esteem has improved, but not to the point that I'd bring myself up to a bunch of strangers to just say "hello". My perception of that happening would be the other party thinking I'm too weird. 

I'm sorry that some of you cannot accept the fact that most of my friends are guys. But what's the problem with that? Can't see you holding up an argument with me based on my group of friends in college, I had a handful of girls in my group. But yes, now in university I hang out with a bunch of guys. Unlike you, your girl friends are in the same educational institute as you. You girls are hella lucky to have your college girls together with where you are now. My closest girl friends from college are mostly overseas or in some other university. One of my best friends is in Melbourne. None of the girls from my college group are in the same university as me, and it just so happens that the guys I knew from college are. You really think I like it, don't you? You don't know how awkward it feels sometimes to just be hanging out with guys. I don't have a girl to talk to most of the time. I look around and see other girls with their group of friends from whatever previous college or high school they were in together. I don't have that. I don't really see myself barging into those cliques either, girls are generally less open minded than guys when it comes to that matter. I'd give almost anything to trade my college life with my uni life. Fine, I should try. But what puts me off is the existence of people like you, who judge too fast. I honestly rather stick to those who I know accept me for who I am rather than talking shit behind my back.

I thought well of you people. I thought wrong.

But for myself, not for the sake of pleasing shallow (yes, shallow) people like you.

Hate is a strong emotion. Hate really, really can break a person.